Category Archives: Comedy

How We Know Satellites Exist

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I know!  I know!  “How We Know Satellites Exist” sounds like a pointless title, but believe it or not, there’s a growing number of vocal flat earthers on the internet.  One of their arguments is that outer space and satellites don’t exist.  They believe we live on a flat plane under a dome.  No!  Seriously!  They actually believe that!  When you ask them how can that be if we have satellite TV and satellite dishes on our homes, that work and ONLY when pointed at a specific place in a clear sky, they give easily disproven responses.  I’ll list those here with the obvious explanations of why those are false, and I’ll show some images of satellite dishes in my own neighborhood, where they’re pointed, and some online tools so you can see where to point your own dishes.

But first, let’s easily debunk their responses to the question of why satellite dishes work if there are no satellites:

Towers

Obviously, it can’t be towers for the following reasons:

  1. Dishes are pointed pretty high and you’d definitely see a transmission tower.  It would have to be very near by, very large, and impossible to not see.
  2. Towers would be extremely local objects.  Dishes north of them would point south.  Dishes south of them would point north.  There are NO dishes in the northern hemisphere that point NORTH to geosynchronous satellites.

Mountains with towers

Exact same response as the towers answer.

Weather balloons

Weather balloons cannot stay in one place.  They move with the wind.  There’s no way a stationary dish could stay pointed to any.  There’s also the obvious pointing problem as with the towers.  If you’re south of one, you’d have to point your dish north and NO dishes in the northern hemisphere are pointed north that are pointing to geosynchronous satellites.

Planes

Please cannot stay still.  Also, you have the same pointing issue as all of the above.  ALL DISHES in the northern hemisphere that point to geosynchronous satellites point south.  ALL OF THEM!

Helicopters

While helicopters CAN stay in one place, they can’t stay there very long.  They are also inside the earth’s atmosphere, making them very low in comparison to satellites.  You’d also have the same pointing problem as all of the items above… and dish south of one of the helicopters would have to point north AND NONE in the northern hemisphere do that point to geosynchronous satellites.  And could you imagine the logistics and outrageously expensive costs to keep hundreds of thousands of helicopters in the air 24/7 across multiple continents AND the oceans (ocean liners use satellite TV too!)

Here are some pictures of satellite dishes in my own neighborhood

I’ve drawn lines to roughly (very roughly) where they’re pointing.  I’m pretty much just eye-balling it.   Note that the houses on the left are north-east of the road.  The road runs from NW to SE.  The top picture is facing south-east.

Satellites Left

All these dishes point in a generally southerly direction.

Satellites Middle

Satellites Right

Below is a 3D rendering of my and my neighor’s house.  The satellite dishes from the photos above are pictured below with their general directions drawn, by me, from my rough eye-balling of where they appear to be pointing.

Satellite Pointers Arial

imageBelow is an online tool to help you determine how to point your own dish.  You enter your address, and it will show you a Google map and a pointer you can move to where your dish it.  You select the satellite you want to point you, and it will draw a line showing where to point your dish.  I chose the Dish Network satellite and it drew a line from the point where I showed it my own dish was.  As you can see, it calculates where to point my dish and that my dish is, in fact, pointing in that direction.  Remember, the image above is my rough guestimate from looking at the dishes from my driveway.  I used no instruments to test the EXACT directions.  Below is the exact direction it should be pointing, and certainly is.

http://www.dishpointer.com/ is the site where you can try it out yourself.

Satellite Tool

I do, indeed pick up a signal when pointed this way and I do indeed lose the signal when I move the dish just a little bit.

You can zoom out of this view with their tool and move the point anywhere on the map.  It will always point south if you’re in the northern hemisphere.

Feel free to independently verify this yourself.  Visit friends and family anywhere that have a satellite dish.  Go to business with dishes.  You’ll see they’re ALL pointing towards to south if you’re in the northern hemisphere.  While there, use the http://www.dishpointer.com/ tool to confirm the dish alignment.

The ONLY possible explanation for this is that satellites do, in fact, exist.

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Did the Astronauts Take Their Helmets Off On The Moon?

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Claim:

The moon landing was a hoax.  Here’s photographic proof showing the astronauts with their helmets off on the moon.

Astronauts without helmets

“So, these guys on the Moon took a moment to take their helmets off for this picture …”

FALSE!

This is a training excercise on earth, obviously.  Specifically, it’s…

Apollo 16 astronauts Lunar Module Pilot Charles M. Duke, Commander John W. Young, and Command Module Pilot Thomas K. Mattingly II during a training excercise in February 1972

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Here’s a link showing that very image:

Here’s How the Apollo Team Trained for Their Historic Space Missions

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How to Easily Stump Any Flat Earther

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If you’ve ever visited a NASA post on Google+, you’ll find that they draw the flat earthers out of their parents’ basements to post barely legible (on a good day) claims that everything NASA does is fake, that outer space doesn’t exist, that the world is flat, the sun is only a few thousand miles away, as well as the moon, satellites don’t exist, gravity doesn’t exist (no, really, they actually claim that), and a whole slew of grandiose, more expensive than God to pull off conspiracy theories.

If you’ve ever engaged with them, you’ll find some of them are incapable of intelligible thought or writing and are clearly psychologically damaged, but the ones that can write in mostly complete sentences will argue with you.  We’ll, they won’t really argue the point to support their claim.  They’ll just insult you, your intelligence, your upbringing, pretend like they’re amazed you actually believe the world is round, as if everyone else believes it’s flat, will have emotional tirades against you, tell you you’re indoctrinated, and blast you with pointless pictures and question, but they will almost never directly answer your questions.  They’ll try to overload you with ridiculous claims… so many, that it will be impossible for you to respond to them all.

I’ve found a way to shut some of them up.  I ask them one simple question:

___

To All Flat Earthers
Why, when I point my satellite dish to where a geostationary satellite is supposed to be, I get a signal, and when I point it away, I lose the signal?  Keep in mind, this is pointed to a clear, unobstructed sky, with no mountains or towers in the way.

Already debunked answers:

  1. Towers.  The dish isn’t pointed at any.  It it were, all nearby dishes would have to point to it instead of the sky.  Dishes south of it would point north.  But all dishes in the northern hemisphere point southward.
  2. Balloons.  Balloons can’t stay stationary.  They move with the wind.  Also, same positional problem with towers.  Dishes would be pointed all over the place.  They’re not.
  3. Planes.  Same with balloons.  They can’t stay stationary.  Also, the pointing problem.

Offer an explanation that explains why dishes work like that if satellites don’t exist.

___

Inundate them with this question.  Some will actually go away.  The others will instead make themselves look even more ridiculous.

But WHY engage with them?

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Good question!  There’s little to no chance these flat earthers are even going to accept facts and reason.  But, they are actively recruiting new imbeciles to their cause.  By flushing out these kooks on public forums and exposing their idiocy, the few that might fall into their wacko way of thinking will be steered away, and that’s a win for everyone.  Plus, it’s highly entertaining to see how these people try to explain the logical contradictions of their flat world view.

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Does NASA fake Photos of Earth?

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Claim:

The earth is flat.  Everything NASA does is fake.  It’s a great big, decades long, world-wide conspiracy.  This photo proves it!  See all the copied and pasted clouds?

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FALSE!

This image isn’t even presented by NASA as real.  It’s from the iPhone’s wallpaper art collection.  All it proves is that the guy that made it is very talented.

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Here’s a full story on how the artist created the image and why clouds are replicated.

The guy who created the iPhone’s Earth image explains why he needed to fake it

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Why can I see buildings far beyond the horizon If the Earth is Round?

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Claim:

The earth is flat.  The fact that I can see buildings far beyond the horizon where they should be BELOW it is proof.

FALSE:

While it’s true that in some atmospheric conditions, light will bend near the ground and curve down and around the horizon to reveal buildings and landmarks much further than you’d be able to see had there been no unusual weather conditions or no atmosphere at all, it is NOT true that the world is flat, nor is this evidence for a flat earth.

imageA frequent example presented by flat earthers is a photo of the Chicago city skyline from Michigan, 60 miles away.  On most days, the entire Chicago skyline is below the horizon.  But when the air near the surface of the water is cooler than the air above, then light bends in a way to produce a “superior mirage”, allowing you to see images of objects below the horizon.  This is a temporary effect.

Mirage of the Chicago Skyline from Grand Mere State Park

It’s important to note that even in this image, frequently passed around by flat earthers, that only the top of the skyline is visible.  It appears as though the city is mostly under water.  That’s because, even though we’re seeing further than we normally can, the curvature of the earth is still present, even in this image, obstructing the lower parts of the city.  Additionally, notice the distortions of the stretched out appearance of the top of the Sears Tower.

Here’s a story about the photo on a Chicago ABC news affiliate website:

Mirage of Chicago skyline seen from Michigan shoreline

Click on the thumbnail below to see an animated GIF showing how even this photo proves the world is round.

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Is Antarctica a No-Fly Zone?

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Claim:

“No one is allowed to fly to, over, or near Antarctica and boats are not allowed near there per the Antarctic Treaty.”

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FALSE!

MANY flights have flown over Antarctica and ships can go anytime they want.  Antarctica is the coldest place on earth with virtually zero human population on it.  There’s just no good reason to fly there unless you’re doing scientific research or extreme outdooring.  The waters are obviously dangerous due to all the ice and many ships have been lost.  Runways are ice covered year round and there’s virtually no infrastructure there to handle plane maintenance.  Straight lines for flights between the tips of South America, South Africa, and Australia barely cross the edge of Antarctica and there are reasons to avoid flying over it, due to the extreme weather.

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But, that doesn’t mean no one goes and it doesn’t mean you can’t either.  Croydon travel is one of several companies that offer tours to and near Antarctica.

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The Antarctic Treaty

Here’s the preamble to the Antarctic Treaty.  In fact, in this PDF, linked from the official preamble, it provides guidelines on how to help protect the wildlife there should you choose to fly there.

In fact, this ad:

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Is a travel guide for going there, should you choose to go.

The Antarctic Treaty

The 12 nations listed in the preamble (below) signed the Antarctic Treaty on 1 December 1959 at Washington, D.C. The Treaty entered into force on 23 June 1961; the 12 signatories became the original 12 consultative nations.

As of April 2010, 17 additional nations (Brazil, Bulgaria, China, Czech Republic, Ecuador, Finland, Germany, India, Italy, Netherlands, Peru, Poland, Republic of Korea, Spain, Sweden, Ukraine, and Uruguay) have achieved consultative status by acceding to the Treaty and by conducting substantial scientific research in Antarctica. Russia carries forward the signatory privileges and responsibilities established by the former Soviet Union.

Another 21 nations have acceded to the Antarctic Treaty: Austria, Belarus, Canada, Colombia, Cuba, Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, Denmark, Estonia, Greece, Guatemala, Hungary, Malaysia, Monaco, Pakistan, Papua New Guinea, Portugal, Romania, Slovak Republic, Switzerland, Turkey, and Venezuela. These nations agree to abide by the treaty and may attend consultative meetings as observers.

The 50 Antarctic Treaty nations represent about two-thirds of the world’s human population.

Consultative meetings have been held approximately every other year since the treaty entered into force, but since 1993 they have been held more frequently. Each meeting has generated recommendations regarding operation of the treaty that, when ratified by the participating governments, become binding on the parties to the treaty.

Additional meetings within the Antarctic Treaty system have produced agreements on conservation of seals, conservation of living resources, and comprehensive environmental protection. For detailed information about the Treaty System, please visit the Antarctic Treaty Secretariat web site at http://www.ats.aq/.

What follows is the complete text of the Antarctic Treaty. The headings for each article were added by the National Science Foundation and are unofficial.

[preamble]

The Governments of Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Chile, the French Republic, Japan, New Zealand, Norway, the Union of South Africa, The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and the United States of America,

Recognizing that it is in the interest of all mankind that Antarctica shall continue forever to be used exclusively for peaceful purposes and shall not become the scene or object of international discord;

Acknowledging the substantial contributions to scientific knowledge resulting from international cooperation in scientific investigation in Antarctica;

Convinced that the establishment of a firm foundation for the continuation and development of such cooperation on the basis of freedom of scientific investigation in Antarctica as applied during the International Geophysical Year accords with the interests of science and the progress of all mankind;

Convinced also that a treaty ensuring the use of Antarctica for peaceful purposes only and the continuance of international harmony in Antarctica will further the purposes and principles embodied in the Charter of the United Nations;

Have agreed as follows:

Article I

[Antarctica for peaceful purposes only]

1. Antarctica shall be used for peaceful purposes only. There shall be prohibited, inter alia, any measures of a military nature, such as the establishment of military bases and fortifications, the carrying out of military maneuvers, as well as the testing of any type of weapons.

2. The present Treaty shall not prevent the use of military personnel or equipment for scientific research or for any other peaceful purposes.

Article II

[freedom of scientific investigation to continue]

Freedom of scientific investigation in Antarctica and cooperation toward that end, as applied during the International Geophysical Year, shall continue, subject to the provisions of the present Treaty.

Article III

[plans and results to be exchanged]

1. In order to promote international cooperation in scientific investigation in Antarctica, as provided for in Article II of the present Treaty, the Contracting Parties agree that, to the greatest extent feasible and practicable:

(a) information regarding plans for scientific programs in Antarctica shall be exchanged to permit maximum economy and efficiency of operations;

(b) scientific personnel shall be exchanged in Antarctica between expeditions and stations;

(c) scientific observations and results from Antarctica shall be exchanged and made freely available.

2. In implementing this Article, every encouragement shall be given to the establishment of cooperative working relations with those Specialized Agencies of the United Nations and other international organizations having a scientific or technical interest in Antarctica.

Article IV

[territorial claims]

1. Nothing contained in the present Treaty shall be interpreted as:

(a) a renunciation by any Contracting Party of previously asserted rights of or claims to territorial sovereignty in Antarctica;

(b) a renunciation or diminution by any Contracting Party of any basis of claim to territorial sovereignty in Antarctica which it may have whether as a result of its activities or those of its nationals in Antarctica, or otherwise;

(c) prejudicing the position of any Contracting Party as regards its recognition or nonrecognition of any other State’s right of or claim or basis of claim to territorial sovereignty in Antarctica.

2. No acts or activities taking place while the present Treaty is in force shall constitute a basis for asserting, supporting or denying a claim to territorial sovereignty in Antarctica. No new claim, or enlargement of an existing claim, to territorial sovereignty shall be asserted while the present Treaty is in force.

Article V

[nuclear explosions prohibited]

1. Any nuclear explosions in Antarctica and the disposal there of radioactive waste material shall be prohibited.

2. In the event of the conclusion of international agreements concerning the use of nuclear energy, including nuclear explosions and the disposal of radioactive waste material, to which all of the Contracting Parties whose representatives are entitled to participate in the meetings provided for under Article IX are parties, the rules established under such agreements shall apply in Antarctica.

Article VI

[area covered by Treaty]

The provisions of the present Treaty shall apply to the area south of 60o South latitude, including all ice shelves, but nothing in the present Treaty shall prejudice or in any way affect the rights, or the exercise of the rights, of any State under international law with regard to the high seas within that area.

Article VII

[free access for observation and inspection]

1. In order to promote the objectives and ensure the observation of the provisions of the present Treaty, each Contracting Party whose representatives are entitled to participate in the meetings referred to in Article IX of the Treaty shall have the right to designate observers to carry out any inspection provided for by the present Article. Observers shall be nationals of the Contracting Parties which designate them. The names of the observers shall be communicated to every other Contracting Party having the right to designate observers, and like notice shall be given of the termination of their appointment.

2. Each observer designated in accordance with the provisions of paragraph 1 of this Article shall have complete freedom of access at any time to any or all areas of Antarctica.

3. All areas of Antarctica, including all stations, installations and equipment within those areas, and all ships and aircraft at points of discharging or embarking cargoes or personnel in Antarctica, shall be open at all times to inspection by any observers designated in accordance with paragraph 1 of this Article.

4. Aerial observation may be carried out at any time over any or all areas of Antarctica by any of the Contracting Parties having the right to designate observers.

5. Each Contracting Party shall, at the time when the present Treaty enters into force for it, inform the other Contracting Parties, and thereafter shall give them notice in advance, of

(a) all expeditions to and within Antarctica, on the part of its ships of nationals, and all expeditions to Antarctica organized in or proceeding from its territory;

(b) all stations in Antarctica occupied by its nationals; and

(c) any military personnel or equipment intended to be introduced by it into Antarctica subject to the conditions prescribed in paragraph 2 of Article I of the present Treaty.

Article VIII

[personnel under jurisdiction of their own states]

1. In order to facilitate the exercise of their functions under the present Treaty, and without prejudice to the respective positions of the Contracting Parties relating to jurisdiction over all other persons in Antarctica, observers designated under paragraph 1 of Article VII and scientific personnel exchanged under subparagraph 1(b) of Article III of the Treaty, and members of the staffs accompanying any such persons, shall be subject only to the jurisdiction of the Contracting Party of which they are nationals in respect to all acts or omissions occurring while they are in Antarctica for the purpose of exercising their functions.

2. Without prejudice to the provisions of paragraph 1 of this Article, and pending the adoption of measures in pursuance of subparagraph 1(e) of Article IX, the Contracting Parties concerned in any case of dispute with regard to the exercise of jurisdiction in Antarctica shall immediately consult together with a view to reaching a mutually acceptable solution.

Article IX

[Treaty states to meet periodically]

1. Representatives of the Contracting Parties named in the preamble to the present Treaty shall meet at the City of Canberra within two months after date of entry into force of the Treaty, and thereafter at suitable intervals and places, for the purpose of exchanging information, consulting together on matters of common interest pertaining to Antarctica, and formulating and considering, and recommending to their Governments, measures in furtherance of the principles and objectives of the Treaty including measures regarding:

(a) use of Antarctica for peaceful purposes only;

(b) facilitation of scientific research in Antarctica;

(c) facilitation of international scientific cooperation in Antarctica;

(d) facilitation of the exercise of the rights of inspection provided for in Article VII of the Treaty;

(e) questions relating to the exercise of jurisdiction in Antarctica;

(f) preservation and conservation of living resources in Antarctica.

2. Each Contracting Party which has become a party to the present Treaty by accession under Article XIII shall be entitled to appoint representatives to participate in the meetings referred to in paragraph 1 of the present Article, during such time as the Contracting Party demonstrates its interest in Antarctica by conducting substantial scientific research activity there, such as the establishment of a scientific station or the dispatch of a scientific expedition.

3. Reports from the observers referred to in Article VII of the present Treaty shall be transmitted to the representatives of the Contracting Parties participating in the meetings referred to in paragraph 1 of the present Article.

4. The measures referred to in paragraph 1 of this Article shall become effective when approved by all the Contracting Parties whose representatives were entitled to participate in the meetings held to consider those measures.

5. Any or all of the rights established in the present Treaty may be exercised as from the date of entry into force of the Treaty whether or not any measures facilitating the exercise of such rights have been proposed, considered or approved as provided in this Article.

Article X

[discourages activities contrary to Treaty]

Each of the Contracting Parties undertakes to exert appropriate efforts, consistent with the Charter of the United Nations, to the end that no one engages in any activity in Antarctica contrary to the principles or purposes of the present Treaty.

Article XI

[settlement of disputes]

1. If any dispute arises between two or more of the Contracting Parties concerning the interpretation or application of the present Treaty, those Contracting Parties shall consult among themselves with a view to having the dispute resolved by negotiation, inquiry, mediation, conciliation, arbitration, judicial settlement or other peaceful means of their own choice.

2. Any dispute of this character not so resolved shall, with the consent, in each case, of all parties to the dispute, be referred to the International Court of Justice for settlement; but failure to reach agreement on reference to the International Court shall not absolve parties to the dispute from the responsibility of continuing to seek to resolve it by any of the various peaceful means referred to in paragraph 1 of this Article.

Article XII

[review of Treaty possible after 30 years]

1. (a) The present Treaty may be modified or amended at any time by unanimous agreement of the Contracting Parties whose representatives are entitled to participate in the meetings provided for under Article IX. Any such modification or amendment shall enter into force when the depositary Government has received notice from all such Contracting Parties that they have ratified it.

(b) Such modification or amendment shall thereafter enter into force as to any other Contracting Party when notice of ratification by it has been received by the depositary Government. Any such Contracting Party from which no notice of ratification is received within a period of two years from the date of entry into force of the modification or amendment in accordance with the provisions of subparagraph 1(a) of this Article shall be deemed to have withdrawn from the present Treaty on the date of the expiration of such period.

2. (a) If after the expiration of thirty years from the date of entry into force of the present Treaty, any of the Contracting Parties whose representatives are entitled to participate in the meetings provided for under Article IX so requests by a communication addressed to the depositary Government, a Conference of all the Contracting Parties shall be held as soon as practicable to review the operation of the Treaty.

(b) Any modification or amendment to the present Treaty which is approved at such a Conference by a majority of the Contracting Parties there represented, including a majority of those whose representatives are entitled to participate in the meetings provided for under Article IX, shall be communicated by the depositary Government to all the Contracting Parties immediately after the termination of the Conference and shall enter into force in accordance with the provisions of paragraph 1 of the present Article.

(c) If any such modification or amendment has not entered into force in accordance with the provisions of subparagraph 1(a) of this Article within a period of two years after the date of its communication to all the Contracting Parties, any Contracting Party may at any time after the expiration of that period give notice to the depositary Government of its withdrawal from the present Treaty; and such withdrawal shall take effect two years after the receipt of the notice by the depositary Government.

Article XIII

[ratification and accession]

1. The present Treaty shall be subject to ratification by the signatory States. It shall be open for accession by any State which is a Member of the United Nations, or by any other State which may be invited to accede to the Treaty with the consent of all the Contracting Parties whose representatives are entitled to participate in the meetings provided for under Article IX of the Treaty.

2. Ratification of or accession to the present Treaty shall be effected by each State in accordance with its constitutional processes.

3. Instruments of ratification and instruments of accession shall be deposited with the Government of the United States of America, hereby designated as the depositary Government.

4. The depositary Government shall inform all signatory and acceding States of the date of each deposit of an instrument of ratification or accession, and the date of entry into force of the Treaty and of any modification or amendment thereto.

5. Upon the deposit of instruments of ratification by all the signatory States, the present Treaty shall enter into force for those States and for States which have deposited instruments of accession. Thereafter the Treaty shall enter into force for any acceding State upon the deposit of its instrument of accession.

6. The present Treaty shall be registered by the depositary Government pursuant to Article 102 of the Charter of the United Nations.

Article XIV

[United States is repository]

The present Treaty, done in the English, French, Russian, and Spanish languages, each version being equally authentic, shall be deposited in the archives of the Government of the United States of America, which shall transmit duly certified copies thereof to the Governments of the signatory and acceding States.

In witness whereof, the undersigned Plenipotentiaries, duly authorized, have signed the present Treaty.

Done at Washington the first day of December, one thousand nine hundred and fifty-nine.

For Argentina:

Adolfo Seilingo
F. Bello

For Australia:

Howard Beale
For Belgium:
Obert de Thieusies

For Chile:

Marcial Mora M.
L. Gajardo V.
Julio Escudero

For the French Republic:

Pierre Charpentier

For Japan:

Koichiro Asakai
T. Shimoda

For New Zealand:

G.D.L. White

For Norway:

Paul Koht

For the Union of South Africa:

Wentzel C. du Plessis

For the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics:

V. Kuznetsov

For the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

Harold Caccia

For the United States of America:

Herman Phleger
Paul C. Daniels

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A Yankee’s Guide to drving in Southern Snow

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First of all… Welcome Y’all!

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We southerner’s love our northern friends and love to share stories of our different experiences.  One such difference is the way southern cities shut down at the first threat of snow and how people drive in the snow down here vs. up north.

Our friends from up North are usually flaberghasted at how “crazy” we react to snow, pile up at the local grocery stores, empty the shelves of milk, bread, and eggs, and how badly we drive in the snow, believing that there should be no excuse for any of it, because hey, “we have snow in the north ALL THE TIME and it’s no big deal!  What’s wrong with you people?”

We usually smile and nod, because we’re polite and pride ourselves on our Southern hospitality.

So, here’s the Yankee’s guide to dealing with snow in the south.  It’s actually more of a list of things you need to understand.

There are some differences between the north and the south that you need to understand.  I’ll try to list them in roughly the most obvious to the least.

  1. We get less snow than you do.
  2. We get a LOT LESS snow than you do.
  3. Snow is rare down here.  We actually look forward to it because it’s so rare and pretty when it falls and the kids love it because it means they get a day or two break from school and as adults, it frequently means a paid day or so off work and an excuse to relive our youth when we got to get out of school and play in the snow, and we do, even as adults.
  4. Because snow is rare down here, we don’t have many snow plows to deal with it, so our roads stay covered and dangerous.  This is why the cities shut down on those rare occassions we have snow.
  5. Because snow is rare, we will always be inexperienced drivers in the snow.  There’s no getting out of that.  It’s just a fact of life, and it’s not our fault.
  6. If we have to go out driving in the snow, we’re going to drive slowly because, quite frankly, we don’t know what the hell this white shit is that’s all over the roads.  We know it as crash causing slippery wet stuff that no one in their right mind would try to drive on.  We think that to ourselves as we’re driving on it, BTW.
  7. Most cars down here don’t have snow tires.
  8. Even fewer have chaines.
  9. Believe it or not, our snow is not the same as yours.  I was in Boston on a business trip recently and experienced what we in the south would consider a five hundred year blizzard.  It was 3 feet of snow that fell overnight.  Apparantly that’s normal up there and before the sun rose, the streets had been cleared… EVERYWHERE!  Unfreaking-believable for a Southener.  My northern friends hated it and were amazed at my amazement and beuty of it all.  Every house was photo postcard worthy.  Anyway, back to the snow… I noticed that the snow was dry and powdery and very easy to drive on… even I could drive on it.  That snow actually had some friction and was more like talcom powder than slipery, wet ice, like our snow is in the South.  I suddenly understood why Northerners drive on it… because they can!  Our snow is usually super slippery, wet, and frequently has black ice underneath that you can’t see and are unaware of until you’re on top of it and rotating out of control towards a ditch, mailbox, parked car, another spinning, out of control car, tree, or God forbid, a cliff or a child.
  10. When it snows down here, our power is almost certainly going to go out.  Trees down here are also unexperienced with snow, so weak limbs and trees are NOT constantly taken out with heavey snow.  They prosper and flourish down here, until it snows, then they like to fall, a LOT, and their favorite places to fall are on our power lines.
  11. Because we know we’re going to be without power or outside help for 1 to 3 days, and because we know that driving will be treacherous, we have to rush to the local stores to stock up on food and heating supplies NOW.  Why the food of choice is bread, milk, and eggs is still a mystery.
  12. Schools will be let out as soon as it’s known that snow is eminant.  It’s exceedingly important because every minute delayed, is another minute with more crazy ass slippery shit on the roads that our experienced school bus drivers with little to no experience of driving on that slippy stuff will be putting our kids’ lives in danger.  We need to get them home ASAP.  Last year, here in Knoxville, our new school superintendant (from the North, mind you), delayed letting the kids out until the “blizzard” was upon us.  Many buses crashed and children DIED!  He resigned last week, BTW.  This is a real issue and real threat.  Kids MUST be sent home ASAP.
  13. Perpetual inexperience (which will always be the case down here, due to lack of opportunities to become experienced) and always slippery, wet, black ice covered in wet snow, and lack of infrastructure (due to the rarity of the events) dictates that drivers will be scared, crashes will happen, supplies will be needed, and power will go out.

A surprising number of “our” crashes in the snow are actually caused by visiting or passing Northeners’ and their inexperiences with our type of snow, inexperience with our traffic patterns, and inexperience with how rightfully inexperienced drivers react.

So, next time you are down here in our rare snow, remember these major differences.  Yes, we are inexperienced in driving in the snow.  What would you expect in areas that rarely have it?  But, we love to have you down here, just be mindful of the fundamental and inescapable differences in snow, and we’ll get along just fine!

Y’all come back now, ya hear?  Winking smile

[UPDATE 2016-01-20] Since I wrote this. we in TN have had our first snow of 2016.  Here are some of the results:

Chattanooga

Knoxville

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[Update again 2016-01-21]  Here’s some dash cam video of me unable to go a certain route home.  Then some idiot comes up behind me in their 4 wheel drive, get stuck, block me, and nearly hit me.  (the dates are wrong in the videos… It’s actually today, 1/21/2016.)

Here’s the same event from the rear view camera.  Note that it is recorded in a mirror image.

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Tips for Surviving the coming Zombie Apocalypse as a CORPSE!

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Enough with all the tips on how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse as a living person with all their petty concerns like food, shelter, and reproduction.  The easiest way to survive is to become a zombie!  Odds are, based on all prior zombie apocalypses, zombies outnumber the living by about a 100 to 1 margin, you should plan on how to survive the wrath of the dwindling living once the inevitable happens to you… when you’ve run out of ammo, your chain saw has jammed, and your girlfriend freaked out and took off without you in that 1970’s model pickup truck you acquired at that old farmhouse last night, and you’re cornered, in the basement, by 11 zombies, with 30 more shuffling in through the cellar door all chanting “brains! brains! brains!”.  Face it:  You’re toast!

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So, why not make the most of it?  Good news!  You’re virtually immortal and probably impervious to pain!  There are only a few things that can kill you dead now:

  • Decapitation
  • A bullet to the head.
  • Dismemberment via a chain saw.
  • Getting plowed over by a very large and heavy vehicle.
  • Flame thrower.
  • Meat grinder.

Short of that, you’ve got nothing to worry about.  No longer are you concerned with things like food, shelter, repopulating the human race, running and hiding, brushing your teeth, grooming, personal hygiene, or even your own health.  Congratulations!  You’re now part of the majority!

But, there are a few survival tips you’ll need, even for the dead, in order to wonder aimlessly until your rotting corpse turns to dust.

  1. Never be the first zombie to walk in a house with the living in it.
  2. Never wonder near the living alone.  There’s safety in numbers.
  3. When you’re approaching a farmhouse after dark and you hear screaming and gunshots, wait for someone to shout “I’m out of ammo Jed!”.
  4. Still wait.  There’s usually a spectacular explosion or some kind of massive last resort.  Once you hear those two events, waltz on in with the others and feast on those delicious brains!
  5. NEVER and I mean NEVER walk within 50 yards of a gas pump!  NEVER!
  6. Don’t try to eat the brains of either member of a good-looking, young couple.  You’re just asking for trouble.  They seem to always find a way out and leave behind a trail of your brethren.
  7. When the psycho red-neck with all the guns, flame thrower, and cigarette dangling from his lower lip starts going berserk-o on a zombie killing spree, play be stay dead.  Don’t move!  Just lie there until his rampage ends.  He’ll usually be standing in the middle of a group of you when he runs out of ammo.  When that happens, go in for the kill.  It’ll only be a light snack though.  They usually have very little brains.
  8. Gather duct tape whenever you run across it.  You’ll need it to attach your arms back on.  They’ll have a tendency to keep falling off once you’re a corpse.
  9. If all you’re really after is brains, why not eat the brains of your fellow zombies?  Remember, it’s every zombie for himself.  There’s no written rule that says zombies CAN’T eat each other’s brains!  Times are tough.  Make the most of your limited resources.
  10. Lastly, go for the cowards that are also jerks.  They’re like low hanging fruit!  You can pick them off easily and the living won’t really mind.

So, there you have it.  Think out of the box and avoid those chainsaws!  Good look!

Or, as a last resort…

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